Each person interprets life through the eyes of their mind. This also represents the way through which we memorize experiences. People don’t have a photographic memory, but one similar to a drawing, or painting.
Our eyes, ears, nose, skin, all our ‘outer means’ to experience life, all of them go through a filter. The filter of our mind. Everything that we experience now, will never be experienced again exactly as it is now, because it will be ‘memorized’.
And what is ‘the filter’ you ask yourself? The filter is the way in which we segment life. It is how we categorize each individual element to fit in our ‘book of life’. And what dictates that filter you might ask yourself again? The filter was shaped and created by exterior experiences. It is a circle. The circle of how humanity functions, while living among humanity.
You see, others influence us, then when we are ‘intelligent enough’, we keep influencing ourselves based on what we have ‘learned’ from others while growing up, and then our turn comes to influence others with ‘our version’ of ‘what we were taught about the world’ when we weren’t grown-enough. And this becomes a huge part of our ‘mechanism’. The way in which we can ‘feel comfort’. Because it is a way of ‘having an answer’ to what ‘one should do with themselves’.
For example, just imagine starting a job, a new job let’s say, and this job is different compared to what you’ve done so far. You are used to, let's say, ‘quantity-based work’. The type of work that’s repetitive and predictable. You know the drill, and you grew up learning from your parents that ‘this is how work should look like’ - repetitive, predictable, infinite. Then, all of a sudden, you are hired in a project-based job. It’s the type of job where nothing is predictable, nothing is repetitive, no one is reminding you of your daily tasks, no one is measuring your quality based on your quantity. You just do whatever you want to do, as long as the project is finished. But wait, it’s a team-work project-based job, so big chunks of your day-to-day job implies discussions on small, basic things, related to the ‘project’. That also implies that you can basically just watch cat videos online, and no one will tell you anything. There’s no drill, no convention, no recipe. You realize for the first time that compared to your ‘quantity-based job’ which anyone can do without caring or being interested in that type of work, now you’re living in a team where ‘being passionate and having a drive for this type of work’ is what it takes in order for you to ‘feel natural’. Because the way in which you should conduct yourself doesn’t come 100% from a ‘knowledge-base’ - there is no knowledge base book in this line of work; it comes from your drive.
But then you realize something that frightens you: You love this type of work, you love what type of projects this team deals with, you love it even if you're the least experienced and knowledgeable in the team. They choose you, so they’re certain you’ve got what it takes to be a part of it. But you cannot do it… you cannot do it because you are so anxious that you’re way behind everyone else, because your ideas might not be good enough, because you’re never sure if you’re working too much or not enough, because a big chunk of the way you function is missing. You’re incomplete because this job goes against what you have learned about life.
You cannot do this job because you are still applying ‘the rules’ standing at the base of your ‘book of life’. You’re thinking in quantities, not quality. You’re not thinking about how you do this project based on quality, but on quantity. You’re thinking about if ‘you’re working hard enough’, or ‘how many of your ideas are worthy compared to the others’, you desire to ‘have at least one good idea per discussion’.
All of these are related to quantity, predictability. You’re trying to apply what you’ve learned to a mechanism that doesn’t function that way. You’re lost. You start finding excuses for the reason you are lost. You cannot interpret the present the way it is. You cannot accept your inadequacy. You either blame others, or yourself. Your either say ‘they are not good enough’, or ‘they are not even trying to listen to you’ or ‘I’m too stupid’, ‘I’m not worthy of this job’.
Why is that? Because you cannot see life for what it is. You see life in black and white. That’s what your parents taught you, that there’s no grey, only black and white. You’re either good or bad, or your environment is good or bad. Only combinations of these 4 (You good, environment bad. Environment bad, you good). You can't understand that the answer might be that the environment just is, some of it you relate to, some of it you not, but mostly not, because your environment is different. You’re just lost in translation. That doesn’t make you stupid or insufficient.
That is what I want to talk to you about in this book. ‘The book of life’ I like to call it. It’s my book of life, just like everyone else has their own ‘book of life’. It is the book that you constantly write, each day, based on your outer experiences which shape the person you are. Some of us realize the inconsistencies and flaws that make us experience negative feelings, and try to change that. Some succeed, some don’t. That depends on ourselves, our inner spirit and inner God. The ones who succeeds, also understands that there’s no recipe, and no reference point to compare it to. It all depends on the ‘joy’ you feel within. It’s being constantly present and knowing thyself. Trusting thyself. Knowing that the way you feel is enough for you. And being honest enough with yourself in order to know if the way you are feeling brings you joy, or sorrow. It’s ‘cutting the bullshit out of your book’.
Remember, it’s your book of life, emphasis on the ‘your’. You can do whatever the hell you want with it, including ‘re-writing it from 0’. I’m not saying it’s easy. Just like in my example, cutting ties with the mechanisms that bring you comfort will make you feel empty, incomplete, but not because of who you are or what you are doing in that moment that breaks you from your mechanisms, it’s because you cannot live outside of ‘your bubble’.
You see life as you see it through the soapy wall of a huge soap bubble - distorted. You need to burst it first, then feel the emptiness in your soul, the fear, the anguish, and then embrace it, embrace yourself as you are. Then in time, you will create new mechanisms. It will come naturally, you just keep that bubble away from you.
Be empty, be lost, and keep being like that, don’t run towards ‘familiarness’. Keep yourself in the middle of the ocean, and realize that if you want, you can be a fish, because you’re not literally in an ocean, you’re just metaphorically. And in metaphor, you can be anything! - That’s the barrier between you, and the world.
You and only you can judge yourself with the voices of others from your past, that judged you into segmenting your filter the way it is. You can break that circle.
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